I was just out for a walk and I had a thought. I had many actually but there was one that stuck with me more than the others. A thought about my What the Fvck moment. It was time to talk about it. Face the pain, and truly move on from it.
I know I have said that this project was about turning 50 and not being happy in my job and a million other things and it is, but it’s also more profound than that. It’s life altering. Relationship-affecting. A massive shift in who Larry is. Well, not really because it was always me. I haven’t changed, but I have evolved quite a bit through COVID. There is an edge. There is anger, but there is also a profound sense of peace both spiritually, and with who I am as a person. Not perfect, but up there among the world’s okayest brothers.
During the municipal election that I ran in last fall, I was called ‘One of those people’ on more than one occasion – right up there with ‘Not with Larry’. It doesn’t matter who ‘those people’ were. It only matters that ‘they’ thought ‘they’ were vile and held me in the same regards.
Some people you expect it from like your opponents. My character was challenged in the 2018 election and I wasn’t even running. I couldn’t complain though because I did the same to my opponent when I won in 2014. They also weren’t running – for the same position anyway.
Most of all, I didn’t want to be ‘that’ person this election.
One of the public comments throughout my campaign for office that hit me personally, was from a fellow writer whose work I admired. I challenged them. A good writer seeks to find the truth. Labels are lazy journalism. I unfriended them. I unfriended a lot of people. My friend group – which included many folks I respected and had volunteered with for many years in the community – was drastically revolving. I didn’t delete these friends from my networks because I hated them, blamed them, or because I never wanted to talk to them again. I needed to turn off any existing or potential hate. I wanted to run a clean, peaceful campaign and I did until the end – I am proud of that – but I knew I had to ensure I was keeping an eye on my mental health too if I was going to endure the words, the looks of disgust, and the knocks on my character that I was receiving.
I tried very hard to not let it get to me. I put on a strong front, but I’m human too. It did hurt like fvck. It was one of the hardest punches to the gut I have ever been on the receiving end of – and beard guy in grade 7 packed one hell of a wind interrupter.
I didn’t win one electoral poll – including the one I wanted the most; the north end. It was an area I was told last election by the locals, that they felt I ignored. It’s where I spent the first month of this past election. It was my favorite part of the campaign. The community I felt most at peace – at home.
For the first time, I saw just how ugly local politics had become, and how little I felt the Left – my people – regarded the humanity within all of us. They were fighting among themselves and it was painful to watch. It was ridiculous because they – we – all believe in the same values and basic human rights. There is just a difference of opinion on how we get there and that’s fvcking great because that’s where the greatest growth happens.
It was in these moments, that I truly understood why people call themselves politically homeless. It’s life-changing when the good you saw becomes the enemy you didn’t.
The truth is, I am one of ‘Those people’. If by ‘those’ you mean heterodox thinkers who care more for the stories that define us beyond the boxes others want to place us in, or the labels they want to base the entirety of our characters on.
I now need to find peace with where the world is right now. There is only so much I can do as one individual, to create change on a larger scale and I am willing to do ‘that’. I am just not going to let its anger and strife crash on my couch. I’m the landlord. I chose who makes space in my house. Love on the other hand? The door is always open.
I am more than your labels, and that’s more powerful than a handful of words that say so very little about the complex individuals that we are.
Here’s to ‘Those people’. Brave enough to ask the questions. That is where both truth and understanding thrive.
What’s your ‘What The Fvck’ moment?